Why "Let Me Know if I Can Help" is a Waste of Air

Louis CK has a brilliant piece about giving himself credit for things he thinks of doing that would be the kind of thing a nice person would do, without actually doing them. I LOVE this bit because it's a behavior I see in myself often, and I always chuckle when I catch myself at it. It's funny because it is honest and I think deep-down, anyone can relate. 

But here's the thing: when it comes to people in our circle, those we care about enough to think we want to help, we really need to actually, you know, show up. Seriously. And this is exponentially more important when we are talking about supporting someone navigating something scary, unknown, isolating, truamatic and spectacularly unique, like cancer. It's really, really important to really, really mean it when we offer help. Basically, don't be the emotional equivalent of the alligator arms guy from the Geico ads. 

So how do we do that? Well, depending on the depth of the relationship and comfort, it can be easier or more tricky. But it seriously doesn't have to be. 

Here's a good place to start: don't say something vague like "let me know if I can help." That almost completely assures the person will definitely not ask. Be specific, even if you're pretty sure the other person won't accept. Specificity shows real intent and also helps your friend, co-worker, relative, neighbor begin to think about ways you could help. The bottom line is, don't make it their job to figure out how you can help.

For instance, you could say "I would love to help you in any way that is beneficial. I am usually available on Tuesday and Friday nights -- let me come over and do the dishes or fold your laundry, or I can pick up groceries for you," or "how about I drop off some of my mom's favorite casserole this Wednesday. It will be frozen, so you won't have to eat it right away." 

These are things I have done when I've had folks I wanted to help and it has always been well received -- sometimes they even take me up on it, or say something like, "Well, I don't need that, but it would be great if you could help drive me to an appointment." Easy peasy. 

Offering help in a specific way shows you mean it and even if the person doesn't accept, they most definitely feel supported. Try it out!